She hated the thought of being alone but truly enjoyed being by herself. Contradictions weren’t strangers to her. She thought back to the argument from the other night and furrowed her forehead in bewilderment.
She had been standing in her shower. The warm water usually felt good on her back but that night she hardly noticed it. She was awkwardly hovering in a corner near the raised window, wondering why the tears wouldn’t come. She felt something between disappointment and a strange peace. So he wouldn’t even consider moving in with her. And she was saying she wanted that. But did she? Maybe she didn’t. Maybe that’s why there were no tears, even though she felt they should be there after such an intense disagreement.
Strange. How you can want something just because you think it should be there. Like tears. Like marriage. Like children. Deep down, she knew she wasn’t ready for any of the things she’d been arguing for just a moment ago. She took a series of deep breaths as she toweled off and wrapped a robe around herself. She couldn’t fathom waiting as long as it would take her to comb her hair, lather herself in lavender lotion, and run through all of her other post-shower routines, before returning to the living room to finish what she’d walked away from huffing and puffing.
She strutted into the living room and sat a good ten feet away from him. “I need to explain myself without being interrupted,” she said. Then she waited while he avoided eye contact and tried to hide his coy smirk. He hated confrontation. She didn’t know any other way of dealing with disagreement. “You take a pause if I so much as drink water while you’re talking,” she said, roughly demanding he give her his full attention. Once she got it she did what she could to make him understand why she was always worried about the future. His response to her concerns made her smile and she fell a little further in love.
“My being in your life is not only meant for comfort and ease, but for testing and learning. Same goes for your purpose in my life. An easy relationship is a fake relationship. I cannot give in and give you everything your heart desires even though that is what the cliche hallmark industry has led you to believe I should do. My goal is to make us strong and endure. Anyone can be just in love…love can fade. To be in love and strong is to conquer all obstacles here and for the future. My saying that I am only 70%, and not ready to move in, is a way of saying that i am working, building, and getting stronger.”
She sighed. “You’re right. I only get this upset when I think about the future.”
What she hadn’t said, though she felt it, and had always believed it, was that in the now, the only time that really meant anything, she felt loved and fulfilled. Even tonight, on one of those rare nights when he wasn’t with her and she had time to herself, she felt only love and peace.