One day at a time

I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing. Actually, I know I should be studying for family law rather than sitting here right now, but that’s not what I mean. Like Shakira used to sarcastically say:

“trabajar cada día – para vivir en la vida
contestar solo aquello – y sentir solo esto
y que Dios nos ampare de malos pensamientos.
Cumplir con las tareas, – asistir al colegio.”

But what kind of work? No one ever really tells you what in this world needs doing, and every time I think of something on my own turns out its hard (emotionally and otherwise) and doesn’t pay well. I find it hard to do homework and go to school without knowing why I’m doing it. Or is it that I find it hard to do things I know won’t lead to what people expect of me? (Not that meeting people’s expectation should tell me how to live my life. And not that I actually know what people expect) Maybe I’m just a control freak at a point in life when I can’t be in control no matter how hard I try (who knows where I’ll find myself after graduation). Maybe I am still in school because even though I gripe about it I know it’s important. But what if I’m not?

What if I’m in school because that’s all I could think was acceptable to do at the time I started doing it? What if I stay in school because I’m afraid of quitting? What if nothing were to happen either way? What if no one would care, or say anything, if I graduated in 2012 or quit school next semester?

I painted my nails dark dark brown (almost black) for Thanksgiving. The whole time I was doing it I felt like a rebel. I was never allowed to paint my nails black, or blue, or other “weird” colors, growing up, so as I added the dark coat I grinned and enjoyed it. When it was over I was torn. I loved it. I also dreaded the thought of getting to my parents’ home and having dad make a comment about how bad or ugly the color (or the idea of the color) was.  Guess what?

Dad didn’t say a thing about the color. So today, I painted my nails the same color…and didn’t have nearly as much fun. In fact, when they were half way to dry I wondered if I should start over and paint them red.

All this to say…My life is up to me now. Friends and family are great support groups, there to laugh, cry, and fight with you, but in the end…

24 is not the time to rebel. I’m the only who’s going to care if I quit school and find myself debt ridden with no good ideas for making a living and paying it back. So I guess I’ll continue to study. I guess I’ll continue to look for ways to help people with my law degree.

And in the meantime…I think I’ll take many deep breaths and learn to do what’s right because I feel it’s right, not because it’s expected.

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  1. The Sunshine! December 2, 2010 @ 11:37 PM

    I have to say, I agree with your statement of doing what you think is right so you can ultimately be a happier person, but when does it come a time in which you stop doing things for yourself and begin to evolve into a person that consciously shines a positive light on those around you. I mean when should you Gage whether or not you participate in an activity just because you know it would put a smile on someones face or better yet leave an imprint within someones memory, knowing deep down if you were to do this for yourself it would DEFINITELY not happen. As i look upon myself the argument can go either way, because at the end of the day we all want or should I say need ATTENTION to motivate the drive to complete our journey to success… For example, I Could complain about always being told what to do and how to do it, and in result crave to rebel,and maybe rebellion would bring me happiness because hey its something that i want to do, and freedom feels damn good! Or I could be the guy that does all the great things for that smile that my actions would put on the faces of the people I surround myself with. But once those smiles begin to disappear and my actions become mundane, then what? Then comes the realization that i wasted my time going throughout life putting smiles on peoples faces. Or is it? It’s only until you don’t receive the response that your looking for in which you question your actions in the first place. So as i conclude ill say that my happiness doesn’t lie within what i do, it lies within the responses I receive from people when i do what i do. it may tear me apart or make me stronger, but i’ve come to peace with that, and i’m going to live my life with great strife to put more and more smiles on peoples faces, because honestly i’m not happy otherwise.

  2. […] up randomly and say they identified with it. Perhaps you read it and remember; it’s the one where I talked about painting my nails. While speaking of that entry, a friend remarked that he started reading a little less frequently […]

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